COUNSELOR’S TOOLBOX

Steps to Forgiveness

Let me share with you a simple three-step method of therapeutic release that can help when you are carrying bitterness or resentment toward someone who has harmed you. This practice has developed over time, and its strength is in its simplicity.

I was first introduced to this approach while learning alongside creative missionary friends at Novo during an Activating Prayer Cohort. In that setting, we explored several forms of prayer. One of them was Inner Healing prayer, which includes learning how to forgive others, renouncing harmful vows we may have made, and bringing childhood wounds before the Lord for healing.

At the center of this practice is forgiveness. Although of primary importance, asking God to forgive us through the saving work of Jesus on the cross is not our only need. Also, the forgiveness of others and forgiveness of self brings us to fruition of our faith, moving us into sanctifying grace. Below is a method addressing the forgiveness of others.

Jesus teaches us in Matthew 6:14,15 that forgiveness has multiplying effects.

The New Living Translation reads;

“Your heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you; but if you refuse to forgive them, he will not forgive you.” 

2 Types of Forgiveness:

It helps to understand that there are generally two streams of forgiveness.

First, there are moments when someone who has harmed you becomes aware of their wrongdoing. They may come to you with genuine repentance and a desire to reconcile. In those cases, forgiveness can grow through conversation, humility, and time.

But there is a second situation that many of us experience more often. Sometimes the person who hurt us does not acknowledge what they have done. They may be unaware, unwilling to admit it, or simply unavailable. They may even be someone you can no longer speak with because they are distant, unsafe, or no longer living.

In those moments, forgiveness becomes something you do before the Lord. It is not dependent on the other person’s response. Instead, it becomes a way for you to be released from the prison of un-forgiveness and the exhausting cycle of bitterness or rumination that can quietly damage the heart.  Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” in John 10:10.

If you choose to practice this exercise, begin with a simple prayer asking Jesus for His presence and covering. If possible, it can be helpful to do this with a trusted person such as a counselor, pastor, intercessor, or close confidant who can gently guide the process.

“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble,…”. Hebrews 12:15

Ask: Jesus, what are you showing me? Is there any sin or brokenness that has caused me to be bitter inside that needs forgiveness from you and also from me? What do you, Jesus, want to change in me? Is there someone I need to forgive?

Before speaking the words of forgiveness, take time to name the offense honestly. This step matters. Sometimes it takes quiet reflection with Jesus to fully recognize what actually hurt you.

Once you can clearly identify the person and the offense, you can slowly walk through these three statements, placing their name and the offense into the blanks.

Three Step Method:

1. “__________, I forgive you for __________.”
2. “__________, today I choose to no longer live in reaction to __________.”
3. “__________, I release you from the prison of my unforgiveness. As I have been forgiven, so I forgive you, in Jesus’ name.”

Ask: How do you feel? What was the hardest part of this release? Do you need to do this again (70 x 7)?

These words are not about minimizing the wrong or pretending it didn’t hurt. Instead, they are about releasing your heart from being bound to the offense.

As you continue reflecting on forgiveness, consider taking some quiet time with the Lord.

Reflect on Colossians 3:12-14: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” 

Now, while contemplating your heart and even journaling a prayer, release the person who has offended you.

You might reflect on what stands out most to you about forgiveness. Many people discover that forgiveness is first a decision before it becomes a feeling. Others realize that forgiveness is not about excusing harm but about allowing God to bring redemption where pain once lived.

Have you already asked Jesus to forgive you? Then be free in Jesus and His forgiveness now.

Amen